Last night I filled my home, our home, with all our dear friends who have bolstered my heart: My dearest friends, our friends, my love, who have been here for me after my loss of you, my love, and during my year of healing emotionally and physically.
It was a lovely evening, and yet there was a huge part of me that ached deep in my soul because you weren’t by my side my love…or were you?
As our friends piled in one by one they shared how their heart’s hurt missing you…my sweet love. For some, it was even difficult walking in knowing you were not here. So much of who I am, and the “things” that surround me are because of you, my love.
I had a jazz trio, my sweet; you would have liked them. Your favorite ladies, no longer the girls they once were, were here loving me, hugging me reminding me of how much love you shared with so many. You left such a gaping void in this world, my Philippe’.
I threw a party my love…alone, by myself, without you. As wonderful as it was, it was missing your humor, the ease you always gave everyone. It missed your smile and your beautiful blue eyes that saw every thing and touched everyone’s heart…and it missed your wonderful desserts made of pure love.
However, you would surely have delighted in Carol’s monumental dessert undertaking. She made the most delicious array of cookies and brownies, and even chocolate covered strawberries! It was the yummiest, most delectable table in the house! Only yours would have given her a run for her money.
While I was walking around our beautiful home, our wind chimes were swaying in the breeze singing softly with their melodic tones we so carefully chose. Your last chime that you loved so much gently rang out to me in the brief stillness of the afternoon…and I knew. I knew in that moment my love that you were indeed with me.
The delightful trio began the evening with “My Funny Valentine” and ended it with another rendition, and each time I felt my heart swell and my eyes glaze and I thought of you…as did everyone who knew what this song meant to me.
Trevor wore one of your shirts and he looked so handsome in it.
My doctor, who refused to give up, but instead fought to find out what was wrong with me, was here. So too, was Rodney, who ministered my Lyme remedy for three years. My wonderful physical therapist who brought me back to a better physical wellness was here, and so too, were Ziggy and Faschie’s doctors who cared as much for me as for them.
Keelie Ann, whom you never met, my precious nail tech who came to our home to keep my nails beautiful in the depths of my severe illness was here. So too, was Tom, who has guided me when legal matters arose and who made me many a bowl of soup, and of course, every dear friend who we both have always loved.
It was a house filled with joy, good food, excellent music and good cheer, but it missed you…your mischievous nature, your clever wit, your infectious laughter, your captivating glances, your warm touch, your encapsulating embrace, and the pride you would have openly shared with the mere mention of me.
I was reminded tonight by so many who love you how lucky I was to have found you, and how clever I was to have recognized how singularly special you were. It made me smile quietly to myself because I know to the core of me that I was indeed a very lucky woman.
I know too, my love that you would have argued that it was you that was a lucky man! Just knowing this makes me feel all the luckier. I miss you my love with every breath I take…but I want you to know that I am well. I am strong, and I am surrounded by love.
I am still, and will forever be, a very lucky woman, indeed.